


Despair

by black_rose4



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 20:33:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4235688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/black_rose4/pseuds/black_rose4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of an art/fic trade. My half of the trade for rayeliann. Her half is <a href="http://rayeliann.tumblr.com/post/121612898473/this-is-what-happens-when-i-disengage-while"> here</a></p>
<p>A run-in with a demon hits too close to home for Hadynne and it leaves her shaken. Thankfully, help is at hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Despair

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rayeliann](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rayeliann/gifts).



Hadynne ignored the questioning looks as she all but stormed through Skyhold’s Great Hall that evening, eager to retire to her quarters for the night. The events of the last few days had worn heavy on her and the last thing she wanted to do right now was stop and pander to the nobility currently filling the hall. She ignored the scoffs and tuts as she walked right past them, not sparing one glance back or even bothering to grunt a greeting. She didn’t care if they talked right now. She would let Josephine clean that up. Right now she simply wanted to be alone, something she had not had the luxury of in days.

The climb up to her room seemed to take an eternity, each step dragging as she slowly made the ascent up. Her feet were heavy; a result of her mood though, not fatigue. Just a few more steps. Just a few more steps and she would be able to close the door and let go of the mask she’d been wearing since her return to Skyhold. Just a few more steps and she would be able to bolt the door tightly shut and forget about everyone and everything for just a little while.

Out there she had to be fine, she had to be the Inquisitor, the fearless figure to whom everyone looked up to. But in here she could let it go. She didn’t want to, Maker knows she didn’t, but if she didn’t it would fester inside of her.

Her perfect control, slipped. Just a fraction, but that was all they needed, wasn’t it? That was all a demon ever needed to take control of her and steal what made her whole, what made her who she was. Hadynne muttered under her breath, cursing herself and her stupidity for even listening to that thing for a second.

_I know what it is you want, Inquisitor._

She shook her head. No.

_You wonder ‘what if’ so often. What if I’m not the right person for this? What if you make a mistake? What if you’re not you anymore?_

Shut up.

She had thought them so many times, said the words, asked the questions over and over in her mind. But it had heard them and started offering answers.

_I can give you what you want._

“ _No!_ ” She screamed the words aloud, hands balled into fists at her side. Her vision blurred, a result of the tears which had welled in her eyes. Hadynne wiped at them furiously, eager to rid herself of them.

She was not weak. She was not weak. She was not -

“ _Inquisitor? May I come in?_ ”

Her attention shot to the door. Still bolted. She sighed. Good. She needed a moment to try and compose herself for whoever was checking up on her. Maker, if there was one thing she had here it was plenty of people who cared about her. It was always a comforting thought, though right now it provided little comfort to her, at least not the sort she needed. Right now she needed - she needed - Maker, she didn’t know what she needed.

Checking herself briefly in the mirror, Hadynne made her way to the door and unbolted it. She opened it and smiled, hoping it was convincing. She faltered slightly when she saw who was behind the door. “Of course - Cullen, what seems to be the matter?”

She motioned for him to enter, shutting the door behind him and following him into her room. Hadynne sat on the loveseat, toying with the material of her clothing as Cullen pulled up a chair opposite her, the close confines of the sofa a little too close for comfort right now. His hand closed around hers, stopping her fiddling, and squeezed it comfortingly. “Is everything alright, Inquisitor?”

Hadynne chuckled, “How many times Cullen? You don’t need to be so formal with me. We’re friends, are we not?”

“You’re right,” he said softly. “Well then, is everything alright _Hadynne_?” Laughter crinkled the corners of his eyes, but his words were still sincere.

She flustered for a moment, unsure of how to begin, let alone how to articulate the thoughts which had been a swirling mess of emotions in her mind. “Do you think I’m really the right person to do this? Be the Inquisitor, I mean.”

“Our decision on the matter was unanimous. Everyone agreed that you were the best for the job, even if our reasons were perhaps a little more varied.”

“But I’m a mage. I face temptation at every corner. It’s so easy for me to make a slip-up, more so than say you or Cassandra because no matter where I go there is something whispering in my mind, trying to tempt me to simply give in. And the other day...The other day I almost did."

Cullen shifted in his seat at her words. He swallowed thickly before speaking. “Tell me what happened.”

His thumb drew circles on the back of her hand, the action comforting. It gave her something to focus on as she spoke. “You know how often we come across demons during fights. They’re a common sight for us, especially when I’m closing rifts.” Cullen nodded, his eyes closing briefly as he listened to Hadynne speak, her voice quiet and shaky. “Ever since the Envy demon at Therinfal I’ve been contemplating a lot of things, mostly about myself.

“I always thought demonic possession was so much rarer than was made out to us in the Circle. It always seemed to be something they warned you about, but no one ever heard of any cases in the Circle, at least not really. It was a rare event, a one-off if it happened. But I’ve seen so much evidence that shows how easy it is to just...slip-up. You have so little control over yourself when you’re weak. It’s so easy to just say yes. They know exactly what you want, what to offer you. And all you have to do to get it is say ‘yes’.

“It terrifies me that I almost did that the other day. I feel so foolish really. The envy demon came so close, yet do you know what almost tripped me up?” Cullen shook his head, not that Hadynne was paying attention anymore. She simply stared at their hands as she spoke. “A despair demon. It must have heard my doubts and decided to pray upon me, amplifying my at the time growing sense of hopelessness.”

She shook her head, tears stinging her eyes again. “Maker, I’m such a fool!”

A gentle hand caressed her cheek, wiping away the tears which now ran down her cheeks. “No you’re not. Don’t ever say such a thing Hadynne.” Cullen’s hand ran to cradle her chin, tilting her head up so she was looking at him.

“The fact you have faced down so many demons and come through still fighting shows how strong you are and how you are definitely not a fool. If you were a fool then you would have accepted whatever it was trying to tempt you with and we would not be talking right now. But we are talking, are we not?”

She sniffed and nodded weakly. Cullen smiled encouragingly at her. “You continue to amaze me with your strength Hadynne. I have met few mages with the strength and willpower you show, and even those did not hold a candle to you.” His gaze was intense and for a moment Hadynne found herself needing to look away, a blush rising in her cheeks. When she looked back she found his face mirrored hers, his cheeks just as red as hers felt.

“What I meant is - is - Maker, you are an amazing woman Hadynne and I simply wish you had more belief in yourself and your strength, because you _are_ strong enough. I would not have wanted you to be the Inquisitor if I did not believe in you.”

His wording caught her attention. “ _You_ believe in me?”

“Well yes - I mean - what I meant to say is - Maker’s breath, that’s not what I -”

Hadynne smiled and squeezed his hand. “I know what you meant Cullen. Thank you. Truly. It means a lot to me to hear you say that.”

“I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t true.”

He stayed a while longer, their hands still clasped together as they spoke. Slowly Hadynne calmed, her mind easing and the chaos inside her mind clearing. He only left when he was convinced she was fine, Hadynne reassuring him she would visit him after supper, something he insisted she still attend. She chuckled softly, but agreed, the need for food suddenly catching up with her now her mind and mood had cleared.

She smiled to herself when she closed the door once more, Hadynne once again alone in her quarters. Yes, she felt considerably better now. Thank the Maker for Cullen.


End file.
